7dp5dt

So, of course I tested again today. Lines. I didn't take a pictuer of it yet, will probably do that tomorrow.
I'm so exhausted!
Let's see...
My day started off great. Ate breakfast, felt slight nausea. Got to work and started sweating my ass off! I was so damn hot. Sweating. Sweating! I was also very very thirsty.
Started getting really tired around lunch time. Almost fell asleep waiting for my c0-worker to relieve me for my break. Came home and layed on the bed, almost fell asleep again. This is the first day I've really felt like this. Tired, body tired. Loving it though, no complaints.

Believing more and more that this is real.

For the sake of comparison

Here's a picture of all the hpts lined up. I just don't understand how if the Ovidrel is decreasing, why are the lines getting so dark???

6dp5dt

Today sucked major ass!
First of all, the top test is from this morning. It's a darker than the one from yesterday morning, but about the same as the one last night, maybe a tad darker. The second one is from this evening when I got home from work. It's obviously darker.
Why did today suck? Because I kept thinking about what the nurse said. It's so hard to be in limbo like that. I really didn't feel like I wasn't pg, but I didn't feel like I was. I mean, I thought I was, I could have sworn I was. And, I couldn't tell if I was just in denial over the whole thing or if I was mad because I was pg and she was acting like it was impossible.
So, I went to buy more hpts after work and tested again. Darkest line yet. Today the Ovidrel should be out of my system. I'm still wondering about what the nurse said, but I'm leaning more towards maybe I really am pg! It's like a weight lifted off my shoulder. At least until tomorrow morning when I test again and pray that the line isn't lighter. :)

5dp5dt

Still two lines!
Had a rough time eating a banana this morning. I love bananas but I was not loving this one. I had to force myself to eat it most of it, then gave the rest to one of my dogs. Ate an english muffin w/pb&j. Tasted delicious, but boy did I feel like crap afterwards. Still felt bad when I got to work, even turned down a Panera bagel!
I was little nervous about going to work. I was afraid I'd do something to mess things up. I was trying to be really careful but felt I was doing more harm than good. Then I started thinking about how silly I was being. The rest of the work day went fine.
Called the clinic to tell them I was testing positive. The nurse who called me back said that it was impossible to get a bfp this early. She told me that I was testing positive because of the Ovidrel I took on 9/4. I told her it was gone and she argued with me. She said it's way to early and there's no way it's a bfp and that the Ovidrel stays in your system for 10 days. I'll have to wait until 9/24 for my beta! WTF?
So, I decided to not pee for the rest of the afternoon and take another test when I got home. It's the one above labled 5pm. As you can see, it's darker. I find it odd that the lines are getting darker as the Ovidrel is decreasing. So, of course I start freaking out. Haven't said anything to E because he'll freak out too. There is no reason to tell him if I don't know what is going on right?

My reason for thinking the Ovidrel is gone....
For IVF2, we did 2 5000 unites of Ovidrel. I tested the day of ET on an IC and there was no line. This was six days later with 10000 units. I tested every day and never had a line until 9dp3dt and that was so faint I had to hold it up to the window. I went and bought a FRER and the line was a bit darker.

Now, for FET, I took 5000 units Ovidrel. Half the dose I took for IVF2. I tested 8 days after taking it and got that faint line on the FRER. Now, how is it that half the dose is still in my system 10 days later when the higher dose was out of my system after 6 days. I'm sure if I tested with a FRER, it probably would have shown up, but it would have been VERY faint. And the stupid line would not get darker!!
I'm so mad that this stupid nurse has taken away my excitement and made me even more paranoid about things.
The only thing I can do is test tomorrow morning and pray it's not getting lighter.

4dp5dt

Woke up at 3:30 having to pee! Of course, I took the opportunity to POAS. Stood there and watched the color move up, nothing. No line. I sat on the side of the tub, heart racing. No line. I was so sad. :( Couldn't believe it. Sat there for a minute, then decided to go back to bed. Looked at the test and saw another faint line! It was darker than yesterday, but still light. This one also showed up within the 3 minutes. So, of course there is no way I'm falling back to sleep anytime soon. I kept comparing the two tests and double checking to make sure the lines were still there.

Decided to attempt sleep, not happening. The cramps started up and kept me from getting comfy. Ended up watching tv for a while. Started thinking about how it was possible to have a bfp when I thought I was still having implantation cramps. I remembered the day after transfer, I had two red spots on the tp. I just figured it was caused from irritation from the transfer. Now I'm wondering if it was actually implantation spotting?

Also, I read some more about these cramps and indeed, they are an early pregnancy sign. I guess it's my muscles and what not getting ready to carry the baby.

Kept getting them off and on and every time I tried to fall asleep. After eating because I was starving to death, then peeing another 4 times, I finally fell asleep a little after 7am. Woke up a little after 9 am and looked at the pee sticks again. lol Still two lines!

3dp5dt

STILL having this insane cramps! I don't even know how to explain them. They are in my lower back and the back of my legs/hips feel like they do when I have the flu. Let the google searches begin. Pretty much 98% of all the stuff I read said that these cramps led to a bfp. Could it be? Could I really be pregnant? Ha ha. That was like the hpt commercial. :)

So, I go get my haircut then go to the grocery store. The whole time I feel like crap. REALLY hot, really irritable with the 8,000 people in the grocery store. The whole time I'm thinking, "I have to be pg." There was no other way to explain the way I felt.

Get home and decide to POAS. I figured if it was negative, at least I could blame it on it not being FMU. I've been drinking tons of water and have been peeing like it's my job. So, I really wasn't expecting to see a line. E didn't know what I was doing so I couldn't hang out in there for a long time waiting. Ran down to the kitchen to grab my food, went back upstairs to grab the pee stick and what do I see? The faintest faintest line of all lines. WTF? Really? There's really a line? I couldn't believe it. It showed up within the three minutes and is still there. You can barely see it, but it's purple. So for now, I'm pg.
Haven't said anything to E yet. Want to wait until I get another bfp.
Still getting pretty bad cramps. Thirsty. Mouth watering. Weird taste in mouth. Bloated. Tired. Not really nauseous, but feel like I could be nauseous.

We tried to watch a movie that started at 8:30, could barely make it through w/o falling asleep. Couldn't wait until it was over! Went to bed at 10:30!

2dp5dt

Went to work today. Wishing I had stayed home another day. :(
Tried to take it as easy as I could. Had bad cramping in my back and abdomen off and on through out the day. It was even in the back of my legs.

Did some googling and learned that it cold be implantation cramps. I guess they can last a couple days. Hopefully that's what's going on in there.

Really tired!

1dp5dt

Stayed home today, this is totally different than a fresh cycle. Not much going on.

CD20 - Transfer Day

I don't know how I didn't have an anxiety attack. I was worried about my blasts not making it. Kept telling them to keep fighting because I was coming to get them. They did. :)

Had to get up at 4:30 am, left at 5:15 am. I was so tired. We got there a little before 8am, took my Valium, then went up to the clinic. Sat there forever! Wondering the whole time how my blasts were doing. Finally got back and ready, then the nurse tells me that their is an ER before me and it will be about a half hour. Great. Hoping my blasts hang in there and that my valium doesn't wear off. Few minutes later, one of the embryologists comes in and tells me that the blasts are doing great. They were very happy with them. He gives me a picture and tells me that they look even better today. They end up a grade A and B. That is awesome.
Few minutes later, the RE comes in. Tells me how he does things a little different than my regular RE. Alls good. Said the blasts look really good. Then says it will be another half hour. Oooookay.

Findally, a little after 10, we go back. He kills me with the speculum. Twice. Finally gets it right and the blasts are back home where they belong.
Fell asleep on the way home, quite shocked because I NEVER do that. Slept for about 2/3 hours when I got home. The wait begins!

CD15 B/W

Finally!
Have to do the HCG shot tonight. Start Prometrium 2x day vaginally on Saturday.

Gave myself the shot like an old pro, in the kitchen. Never in my life thought I would be able to give myself a shot in the stomach like it was nothing.

CD13 B/W

Still not sure. Starting Estrace 3x day. Have to back on Friday for more b/w.

CD10 U/S, BW

Actually, it's CD 11 today because CD10 fell on a Sunday. I was thankful they didn't try to get me to go down on Saturday instead.

Looks like I have a couple follies on the left side. Wonder what that will mean? Got the bruiser at the lab. Screw that. There was already a bruise by the time I left.

Have to go back on Wed for another lab. Nurse said we should know Wed when we'll be doing the transfer. Looking like Tues or Wed.

CD5 Baseling Day

Everything looks good. No cysts, lining a little over 8.

CD1

Starting Estrace today for the third time. We'll see where this goes.

FET is on!

Went in for my baseline yesterday and things went well. I have a few small cysts but nothing to worry about. My lining was already at a 9, so that was good as well. We are looking to transfer Aug. 13. I'm actually very excited and hopeful about it. :)

I'm such a liar!

I really need to update this thing. It's hard because it reminds me of what happened. :(

Anyway, when I went in for my baseline, they found a cyst on my right ovary. Had to stop the Estrace and started Provera.

The Provera, was to trick my body into having another AF, thus hopefully getting rid of the cyst. Never again will I take that crap. Oh my god. It's the worst hormonal drug in the universe. First, I started spotting after a couple days. The spotting got more red as time went on. On day 8 I thought I had AF, called the nurse and she said I could stop taking it and begin Estrace again. It ended up turning to spotting so I just took the last two pills. Those last two pills almost killed me. I got so depressed from this stuff. SO DEPRESSED! I had to remind myself that it was just the pills. I was miserable. It was bad. After a day of not taking it, I felt a lot better. I don't think I could take that longer than 10 days.

I spotted the next couple days and then stopped. I told the nurse what was going on with the spotting and that I wasn't sure if it was a really light AF or not. She called back and said I could begin the Estrace again. Started that on Tuesday, the 21st. So far, so good.

FET Cycle Has Officially Begun!

Here I am, after a little break. I realize I should have been blogging, but I couldn't bring myself to go there. Or here. I needed to escape from all of it for a while. Not that I didn't think about what happened and what was to come.... Just going on with life like a normal person was something that I really needed to do.

I can't believe I was pregnant. It's almost like a dream. I feel like I have to force myself to remember that from time to time. Still feel blessed to have experienced as much as I did. It was the happiest I've ever been in my life. I felt so at peace.

As expected, AF came today. I think I've said this before but, it's amazing how well I've gotten to know my body through all of this. Good thing I had called my RE office on tuesday to find out what I should do when I got AF. I was worried that I'd get it over the holiday weekend and wouldn't be able to get a hold of them.

As of now, I'm taking 1 pill twice a day. I go in Monday for a baseline u/s. We'll talk about dates after they get the results from that.

I'm excited and at peace with whatever happens. I'm optimistic. But different than when we started the second fresh cycle. I've been trying to figure out a way to explain the difference but can't think of anything that fits.

Can't wait to read this in the morning. Blogging while wacked out on Darvocet may not be a good idea.

I'm Still Here

I had to take a little break from things. You would think it would be better to get things out... Haven't been ready to take that step.

I've been doing surprising well. I have bad moments every now and then. I refuse to go back to where I was after our first IVF. I also refuse to refer to this second IVF as a failed. It may not have resulted in a baby, but that didn't stop me from loving it and appreciating every single moment I got to be pg. I never understood this until now.

Ladies at work are telling me how they admire how strong I am. It's not by choice and it's definitely taken me a LONG time to get to this point. Had this happened for the first IVF, I would have been crushed. I am crushed, just able to handle it better. I've been through a lot and have lived through it and I'll get through this.

It was hard to go to the grocery store the first couple times. I would think how the last two times I had been pg. I was so proud. I know no one knew, but I felt so happy and wonderful.

Had my WTF appt. today. Dr. said everything looked perfect and is surprised the pg didn't stick. He said that I have two beautiful great looking frozen blasts. He thinks the FET will be it. I hope so.

10

That's my beta.

Waiting to miscarry or whatever it is that is happening to me.

So sad. :(

Weird Day

I've been in a funk all day. Partly from the hormones and I'm sure some of it is because of what is going on. I told my mom about what is going on. She's got her fingers crossed that it works out. Sometimes I think I'm okay, sometimes I wonder if it's over. I'm afraid to think that it may be over because I feel like I that means I'm giving up. I'm not giving up, just wondering. Right now, my back aches and my boobs are really sore. Yesterday, I felt a lot like I did last Sunday. I've read so many success stories, I'm still praying that I'm one of them.

Up To 50

The nurse called back. She said the lab never sent the results and still hadn't by the time she had called me. She got a verbal number from them. So, I still have to take my meds and have to go back to get another test on Tuesday. Ugh. This is so hard. :(

She said they would have like to see it double but were happy to see it go up. She said the pg was viable at 50.

It's hard to not know what's going on in there. I'm not doing any more hpts. I'm going to try to enjoy the long weekend pg.

Stuck

I don't know how to feel right now.
I'm pregnant. At least I think I'm still pregnant.
But I can't really enjoy it because I don't know if it's going to last. Is that not being hopeful? I feel bad. I don't know what do, think or feel. I want to go back to looking at the baby sites and learning about what my baby is doing right now. I want to look at more nursery ideas and baby names. I'm so scared. I really truly believed this was going to happen....right now, I don't know. I'm not thinking it's not going to happen, just....don't know what's going to happen. I really hope it works out and my beta ends up being higher. I keep playing different scenarios out in my head of how each outcome may play out.
I think I've read every success story there is. I've begged and pleaded to be one of them.
I'm so thankful for the 3 or 4 days I was able to be a mommy. Such a gift to have and I was lucky to experience it for a while. I enjoyed every minute from the time I found out until the last 24 hours. No one can take that away from me.

Still No Word

It's so nice to know what the hell is going on. I can't believe I'm going to have to wait until tomorrow. I bet the stupid bitch ran it the wrong way again.

I hate being in limbo. CALL ME DAMNIT!!

Lost it at the Lab

I was afraid it was going to happen. Once I saw that the same ladies where there I knew they were going to remember what I was there for. The one asked how things were going and winked, I told her they weren't going well and she said she was sorry. It was pretty awkward. Then when the other tech. was typing out my info, she argued with me about what my lab sheet said. She's the one who got it wrong on tuesday. She got really defensive about the whole thing. I started crying. It was so embarrassing.
We went back to the room to draw the blood and she apologized when she was done and gave me a hug. That's when I started to cry harder. Sobbing. It was horrible. Very embarrassing. I sobbed all the way to the car and all the way home. Then lost it again when I got into the house.

This isn't fair. How dare God give me this amazing gift only to take it right back? I'm so mad!

I know it sounds like I'm giving up. I don't see it as giving up, I'm just being realistic. All my symptoms are gone, the pee sticks are getting lighter. E is so optimistic that it will work out. I can't bring myself to tell him I know longer 'feel' pregnant.

Low Positive

I have a low positive beta of 33. I'm so sad. :( We need it to double for tomorrow and we'll go from there. I've been googling low betas and it says not to make too much of the number. You can have a low beta and go on to have a normal pregnancy. I'm trying my best to be optimistic about things but it's hard.

I bought some more hpts to see if the line is getting darker. I took one when I got home from work. I hadn't used the bathroom since 1:30 and it was pretty diluted with water. It seems like the line is darker than yesterday. I don't know.

Stupid Lab!!!!!!

AHHHHHHHHHHH! So the nurse just called and said the lab ran the wrong thing (qualitative when it was supposed to be quantitative)! OH MY GOD! I'm so annoyed. So now they have to run the blood again. The nurse will call me as soon as she gets it. SO FRUSTRATING!

They Still Haven't Called

And I know they got the message because I called right at 8am. This isn't even right. Not only did they not call me yesterday, they aren't calling me back today. Come ON!

I don't know what else to do to waste time. I fell asleep for like 2 hours. Don't feel like doing much of anything right now. Not much left too look at on the internet.

This is terrifying.

My Stomach is in Knots!

Just called and left a message for the nurse. Oh man. I hope they call me back soon. And I hope it's with good news. This really sucks.

Ugh!

They never called with my beta. Better believe I'm gonna call them and let them know how annoyed I am. Thanks a lot. This happened last time. I went to get my beta really early in the morning, sat around, sat around feeling it was most likely negative even though the hpt said 'pregnant'. I just didn't feel it. Anyway, I had to call them and tell them I still hadn't gotten my beta and I was wondering what was going on. When the nurse called back, she apologized and said she would call me right back. Something with the lab not sending it over right away or something. It ended up being negative. I can still here her words, "I'm so sorry Kim. It's negative", then she told me to stop taking all meds. It was horrible. I'm so afraid of hearing, "I'm so sorry, Kim" again. I know most likely I'm okay, it's still scary.

This bfp stuff is scary business. I feel like everything I do is going to jinx it. It's still so early ya know? I downloaded the First Trimester cd from Anji. I only got the one, didn't want to get ahead of myself. At least it will help me relax a bit.
I still feel great and amazed that this is happening. It's really a miracle.

I seem to have a nap time. :) I keep getting REALLY tired around 6/7 pm and sleep for an hour. My boobs hurt SO bad. I had some cramping again earlier. It comes and goes. Still unbelievable thirsty.

Beta Day - 12p3dt

Feeling great today! Wish they would call already with the beta number. It sucks to have to wait around for it.

Took another htp this morning. Line is darker than yesterday and Sunday. Had a bad headache yesterday and was very irritable, that's all gone today. Oh god, the gas. Oh man. Sunday and yesterday the gas was horrible! Not much going on today in that department.
In a really good mood, feel good. Still bloated and boobs are sore on the sides and my nipples are very sensitive. Still thirsty. Woke up at 5:30 am to pee and was starving again. Had to eat breakfast soon after, as well as pee again.

I wonder if part of my problem was the anticipation of today? I don't know. There's nothing I can do but hope for the best. I'm enjoying being pregnant and I will enjoy it until told otherwise.

Please let my beta be a great number and let this pregnancy result in a live baby.

11dp3dt

So, some of the symptoms have gone away. I've already googled it and I guess it's normal. I am more nauseous and tired today. I feel like my allergies are really bad today. I can't tell if it's a pg symptom or what. The allergy count is lower than it has been and this is the most my allergies have bothered me in two weeks. I've been taking my Alavert everyday, but not the flonase. Well, I did use my flonase on friday or sat. Whichever day I had the breakdown and was convinced this wasn't going to happen. I was even going to make coffee and drink a coke. I was fierce! :)

I also have a slight headache and I'm in a really bad, easily annoyed mood. Oh, and the smell of the fabric softener on my blanket is driving me nuts. It's all I can smell and it's like it's wrapped in dryer sheets.

Now that the shock and excitement of yesterday has worn off, worry has set in. I'm so worried that my beta will be below 50 tomorrow and it won't double by thursday. God, please don't take this away from us. I know I've been asking for a lot lately with this cycle, but please, please make this happen.

*Okay, I just googled seasonal allergies worse in early pregnancy and it seems that they do get worse.

Today Was Awesome

I told/showed E the pee stick. He looked at it and said, "not pregnant". I then had to explain to him what the two lines meant and that it was okay that the one was lighter than the other. He really didn't believe me. I had to convince him it was real. He was so afraid to believe me because of what happened with our first IVF. I had to bring him upstairs and show him all of my other pee sticks that I've been stashing for the past 4 days. He's so happy and excited. Both of us are.

We went to his parents for dinner today. Hard not to say anything. It's all I could think of.

My symptoms:
Been very gassy. Strange feeling in abdomen. It's not really cramps, kind of like a pressure. I'm very aware of my uterus. There isn't enough water in the world to drink. I get SO thirsty. I go from being not so into food to starving like I haven't eaten in a week. There's no, 'I think I may be hungry' it's 'oh my god I have to eat right now or I'll die' hunger. Tired. Waves of nausea. But it's not flu like nausea, just a weird 'I feel like I might get sick' feeling. Hot flashes. My face gets really red and my ears will feel like they are on fire. I also get really cold. My body feels like it's 'buzzing' or 'working' it's hard to explain. I feel like I'm getting a cold. And then there are the trips to the bathroom. I had no idea the human body could produce so much pee. I don't think I've ever peed this much in my life. This is amazing.
I'm so blessed to be experiencing this. It's more amazing than I could have ever imagined it could be. I know it's still early, but this baby deserves to be loved.

I feel like I'm living in a dream.

10dp3dt - Same Thing Today

Another line, but darker. Very light brown spotting. Feeling the same as last night.

Had a VERY weird dream about brown spotting. It was disgusting.

All morning I used my friend google to try and figure out what was going on. I decided to check up on my internet cheapie tests. What I found was that they aren't that good for early testing and that a lot of ladies where having the same problems I was. So, I decided to go out and get FRER.

Two lines. TWO lines. The one is faint, but still there and way more visible than those other ones I was trying to read. So, as of right now, I am pregnant.

And I'm going to enjoy every minute of this while I can. :)

Spotting!

OH.MY.GOD!
Just as I was feeing hopeful....
I was getting ready for bed, staring at my pee sticks one last time to see if that line was still there (still was) and hoping to see a line tomorrow morning. I go to the bathroom, wiped and saw brown mixed with cm. So I wiped again, brown. Wiped again, pinkish brown. So now, I'm freaking out. I always spot the couple days before AF. This doesn't really feel like AF, but I don't really know what AF feels like while on estrogen and progesterone. Oh my god. Oh my god. Oh my god. Please don't let this be AF.

E has no idea any of this is going on. I don't want to freak him out, because he will freak out. I can handle all of this, he can't.

I'm gonna throw up.

9dp3dt - Evening Update

Well, the lines are actually still there. Even on the first one. You can see the line better on the second one I did. If I hold it up to the window, I can see it. It's like that line in a dollar bill. None of the other pee sticks are like that. These are the only two with lines....well, except for the one from from 6dp3dt. The one from 6dp is more like a crease.
I was going to buy some digital hpt's at the grocery store today but I chickened out. I'm not ready to see that 'no' yet. I'd rather obsess about these lines. At least I can still have hope with the line thing.
I was pretty crampy all day. Almost AF crampy. I would probably think AF was about to start. My lower back also hurts, nipples still hurt and I'm bloated like you wouldn't believe.

9dp3dt - Another line

On the second test I took. It's purple, just like the other one. At least I know I'm not seeing things. It's still going to drive me insane.

Been having cramps, no appetite. Actually, I did eat 8 oreo cookies and drink half a glass of milk. But I've been up since 5:30 so....
The cramps are lower in my abdomen and kind of on the right side. Kind of have a crotchal pain. Very bloated.

9dp3dt - There was a line

And it disappeared.

I thought there was a line this morning when I took it, but was so tired I couldn't really tell. Just figured it was another bfn. When I looked at it later, there was a very very very faint line. It had a very light purple color. I thought I was going crazy. Kept looking at it, looking at it. Took it to different rooms to look at it in different light. There was definitely a line there and it wasn't white. It was as wide as the control line and it was light purple. Now it's gone. I took pictures of it but you can't really see it. You can however see it if I invert the colors.

Now, as I have been obsessively peeing on sticks, I've been taking pictures and inverting them to see if there is a line. None of the others have had any sort of line like this. Hmmm.

I was so happy. :(

Took another test a few minutes ago thinking for some strange miracle there would be another line. Nothing. :(

8dp3dt - Evening

Well, I tested again when I got home. Stark white.

I want to go to sleep to see what tomorrow will bring.
I don't want to go to sleep to see what tomorrow will bring.

Please let there be some sort of line on that thing. Please.

No symptoms all day. I did feel slightly nauseous after eating my lunch this afternonn, but nothing too bad.

Got Burger King for dinner. BAD idea.

Boobs started getting sore around 6/7.

This is so hard

I want to go back to the beginning. Back to ER. Back to ET. Back to when there was still so much hope. I want all my hope back. Why is this happening to me? Why do I have to go through this. I don't want to talk to anyone, don't want to see anyone. I don't want to think. Just want to sleep and not deal with it.

8dp3dt - :(

Tested again. Nothing.
I was positive there was going to be a line. Nothing.

I'm really down today. Trying to keep my head up and telling myself that there is still time. All night I dreamt about getting a bfp. I also had some really bad dreams about Dh. When I fell asleep after he left for work, I had another one. They aren't helping my mood.

Now I see that someone who had the same cycle as I did, got a bfp. This isn't fair.

Have to go to work today. Don't really want to go. Just want to stay home and be sad.

Here's the picture from this morning. Sometimes it looks like there is a line where the arrow is. I think I'm just wishful thinking.

7dp3dt - No line

Although if I look at it in a certain way, I can see something. I could just be the line that is there already. But the line doesn't look like any of the other lines from before....so.....I don't know.

Okay day today. Went back to work for a while. It was nice to get out of the house and get back into the swing of things. I only worked for 3 hours and my ovaries ache. I guess it's from the increased activity.

Still going back and forth. :(

Found a baby bird this afternoon. When I came home from work, it was still out there and one of the dogs started playing with it. When I got back from my meeting, I went out there to find it to see if it was still alive. It wasn't looking so good. I grabbed a flower pot off the deck and scooped it in there. I saw on the internet that you can make a nest and stick it back in the tree and the mother will find it and feed it. While I was looking for a spot, I kept hearing a bird screech. I kept looking in the tree and couldn't find anything. Then I looked down and saw another baby bird! The poor thing was screaming at me wanting me to feed it. I felt so bad. So, I scooped it into the flower pot with it's sibling. Went in to get a towel and stuffed that in there to keep it warm. I couldn't figure out how to get the flower pot into the tree and was worried the momma bird wouldn't be able to get in or out. So, I made a nest out of a square ziploc container and some tissue paper. It's sitting in the tree. The whole time the baby bird screeched at me. When I left it, it went back to sleep. At first I wasn't going to put the other one in with it because I don't think it's going to make it. I decided it could at least have some comfort with it's sibling than by itself in a flower pot. Who knows, maybe momma bird will feed it and make it better. When I took the weaker one back, the other one popped it's head up and started screeching again. It reminded me of the story of the baby duck thinking the first thing it sees is it's momma. Now this bird thinks I'm it's momma. I fee so bad for it. I did all I can do I guess. :(

Ovaries ache.

6dp3dt - Evening

Cramps are still there. Felt some weird throbbing earlier. Feeling nauseous. Mouth watering. Very tired. Feeling warm and face is flushed. Extremely bloated. Have a 'weird' feeling on the left side of my uterus.
My face got really red last night too, like I had a rash. All of these are also side effects of the progesterone.

Dh told me he teared up listening to a song on the radio. It was about having a child.

Please God, let this work. Don't make me have to tell him this didn't work again. :(
Please let there be a line on that pee stick tomorrow morning.

6dp3dt - What Have I Done?

I tested this morning. I've been testing every now and then just for the heck of it. There's a second line. It's very faint. I could be an evap. line. Could be a false positive. Whatever it is, it's driving me insane. I tested again in the afternoon, knowing full well that it was going to be negative. I've been googling 6dp3dt faint positives all day. It is possible. I'll see what happens tomorrow morning.

I watched 'Rachel Getting Married' today. What the hell is this crap? Who lives like that? Who has wedding like that? Really? REALLY? So the movie wasn't my thing, but for some reason it made me cry. Screw that!

Going back to work tomorrow. Not to excited about that. It's only for 3.5 hours though. Then I have a meeting afterwards. I'm sure everyone is going to ask what's going on. They think I'm on vacation. For two weeks. I'm sure some of have figured out what is going on because of the last time. I don't know. Whatever.

Been having weird cramps today. Every once in a while I'll get this weird cramp in one spot. It's not an all over cramp. Very lazy today. Not in a great mood either.

5dp3dt

Woke up this morning feeling really good again. Cramps are pretty much gone. I do have a 'weird' feeling in my lower back and in my abdominal area. Don't know what to describe it as. Not really cramps, just an awareness...if that makes sense.
Left the house today to run a few errands and stopped by work. It was nice to see everyone and to see the kids. They looked happy to see me. :) I realized while driving the seat belt and the waistband on my pants still somewhat bothers me. Don't know. Don't know.
I've been going back and forth. Been googling like a crazy woman again. I don't know what's going on in there.
I can feel the dull achy cramps right now. Ugh. What is this? I have so many more days to go. This is going to kill me.
I'm going back to work for a few hours thursday and friday. I tried to tell them that I could work longer but they really want me to take it easy. I actually feel really good and would like to work more but, I might as well enjoy it while I can, right?

4dp3dt

Felt really good this morning. Did some laundry, felt pretty good. Around lunch time the cramps came back. I'm not sure what that means. It could just be from the progesterone or it could be something else. They got worse as the day went on. My boobs were sore and I was also bloated again. It was almost like AF was on her way.
Needless to say, once the cramps started, I stuck to the couch the rest of the day.

We Have Two Frosties!!

The embryologist called me this morning! I thought they were going to call Saturday, but they didn't. I just figured if they didn't call, they didn't make it. He said the other 2 tried to make it, but pooped out. Not his words. So that's really good that 2 almost made it and 2 made it to blast and were able to freeze. It made me feel better about the two they transferred. If their siblings made it that far, they may as well still be going!

3dp3dt - Mothers Day

Today is Mother's Day. Feeling better but still rather crampy and tired. Just want to stay in bed. My mom and I usually go get flowers for the yard and then go out for lunch. When I called her to see what she wanted to do, she said she didn't want to do anything. She wanted me to stay home and rest. So, that's what I did. We took the rental car back, then came home and got back in bed.

The fun part of my day was finally opening my angel package! I had been staring at it since Wed. or Thurs. The girls on the message board did a secret angel exchange and decided to open them on Mother's Day. It was really sweet. I got the courage angel. I'll post a picture when I get around to taking one.

2dp3dt

That's 2 days past 3 day transfer. It feels like it's been longer than that. I'm going to go crazy waiting. I hate this part. There isn't anything I can do but wait. It's out of my hands completely. At least before I was doing the shots, then the ER and ET. Now, just wait.
All I can do is take the estrace and progesterone. Blech. Makes me so crampy, dizzy and nautious. The estrace is greenish blue and well, it along with the progesterone leaks. So, every time I go to the bathroom, I feel like I'm turning into the hulk. :)

Got my haircut today. It was nice to get out of the house but all I wanted to do was come back home and rest. Not sure how I'm going to make it through Mother's Day like this.

Today, my embryos are becoming blastocysts. Blastocysts contain everything to form a human being. Tomorrow or monday they should be breaking out of their shells and implanting into the uterine lining. In my mind, both are doing this. :)

Oh yeah. A nice side effect of the estrace is muscle twitches. Every once in a while my left arm will start twitching A LOT. Then of course my eye starts twitching as well. Wonder how long this will last? Hopefully it won't take over my entire body.

ET Yesterday

ET was yesterday. Everything went well. We got down there about a half hour early because E was taking forever to get ready on Monday and I didn't want to be late.

There were a lot of other women sitting around with their water bottles waiting for their ET. I almost wanted to have a 'Cheers!' moment with the water bottles. :)

I was much more relaxed this time around. The embryologist brought in a picture of our embies. Two 8 cell grade 3 embies (4 best, 1 worst). She said they did assisted hatching to help with implantation. The other four were still going, we should get a call Sat. if any of them made it to freeze. I'm keep my fingers crossed we have a couple.

The ET was pretty painful. Apparently my uterus was high and they could not get to it. He had to try 3 different sizes of speculums to get in there. Ended up with a 'larger' one. It hurt so bad! E was rubbing my arm and a nurse was rubbing my leg telling me it was almost over. The pain from the speculum actually made me cry. Then of course I couldn't stop. No bawling this time though. It was amazing to watch the catheter drop the embies off at 'home'. Afterwards, I just layed there and relaxed while the nurses tried to get the printer to print out a picture of my uterus with the embies. The picture is terrible. Kinda bummed about it. You can't even see them. :(

E took great care of me last night. Missed him today. :(

I'm still uncomfortable. It is getting better though. It doesn't hurt right away when I stand up. Still can't stand up straight and I feel like I want to cradle the bottom part of my stomach. Still mega-bloated. My lower back also hurts.

Bored. Time goes by so slow in the mornings! It was 9:30 and it felt like 11. I hate daytime tv and there are no movies to watch. Nothing left to look at on the internet. B.O.R.I.N.G! Been taking some long naps though. So that's nice. Takes up a big chunk of time. Slowly starting to feel normal again. :)

The progesterone and/or estrace is making me nautious. Yuck.

I'm so bored!

This being in between sore and okay is annoying. I still can't move well because my ovaries are still swollen (not as big as they were) and sore. If I do too much, I can really start to feel it. Don't want to overdo it. I have nothing left to look at on the internet. It's so nice outside, I'd like to take the dogs for a walk but I can't. :(
My stomach is beyond bloated. It wasn't so bad this morning when I woke up, I could actually suck in. Not anymore. The more into the day and the more I eat, the more bloated I get. I'll be starting the Estrace and Prometrium in about an hour. I'll take one dose tonight and a dose tomorrow morning and Thursday morning. After that, it's twice a day. Then I'll be permabloated and dizzy. The prometrium makes you feel pg.
I'll start testing out the trigger on Thursday, to get an idea of where it's at.

ET is 9:30 Thursday morning. Have to be there by 8:30. Take valium when I get into the parking lot and drink tons of water.

I'm sure I'll post more on my boredom tomorrow. I'm sure I'll end up watching either 'Yes Man' or 'Beverly Hills Chihuahua' maybe both.

I wanted to add that I've been able to manage the pain with tylenol. I took some this am and haven't taken any since. Much better than last time.

Fert Report In

6 of the 9 fertilized. All ICSI. Going back down thurs. for transfer.
This is a great fert rate I might add. :)

Waiting for the fert report

Will they call already? Geez.

ER

Egg retrieval was today. Had to get up at 4:45 am. So tired! Everything went well. The nurse found a vein right away for the IV. I wished her luck on finding a vein. I also mentioned how last time they had so much trouble and it was extremely painful. She tried my left hand first and found nothing. She switched to my right side and found it right away. I barely felt it.
Went back around 9:15. I woke up right away while I was still on the table. I remember getting on the bed and being wheeled back to my room. Eric was still upstairs doing his thang. The whole procedure lasted about 20 minutes. Had some water and crackers. Thank god. I was so thirsty from not being able to drink anything.
They got 9 eggs. There would have been more but the follies were in a weird spot and the Dr. didn't want to risk anything trying to get to them. I'm very happy and thankful for 9. :)
Overall, the experience was much better than last time. I wasn't as sore afterwards. I did take a darvocet on the way home followed by another when I got home. I slept for about 4 hours then took some tylenol.
Now we just wait for the fert report.

*Last time they got 7 eggs, 5 were mature and only 3 fertilized.

ER is tomorrow!

I can't believe we are actually here. It almost doesn't seem real. Excited to see what happens. I'm in such a better place than I was last time. It's very hard to explain. I guess I feel at peace.

I'm exhausted. My back aches, my ovaries ache and I'm bloated beyond belief. I can't bend over to pick things up (I have to do this old lady like squat). I also can't sit up, I must recline a bit. I tried to sit on the couch to fold towels and had to lean back.

No food or water after midnight. We'll be leaving at 5:30 am to be there at 8:15.

Stim Day 10 - Triggering Tonight!

It is confirmed, I will be triggering tonight at 9:30 p.m. ER will be at 9:30 Monday morning.



Went to my last appt. this morning. The nurse in the lab couldn't find a vein. She stuck me once and couldn't find anything. She was very nice and tried her best to find something before sticking me. I told her about the lady digging that needle around in my hand. I think I'm going to tell that story for the rest of my life. The nurse couldn't believe that happened. She said she would never dig around in there with a needle because it's such a 'thin' area.



I saw that girl again. I was wondering if I was going to bump into her. She was sitting in the waiting room in the lab and then came into the Dr. office afterwards. I thought about saying something but chickened out.



The nurse I had today was amazing. We were going over the med schedule post-ER and I started crying. She got me some tissues and told me it was okay and that she understood. She told me how she had been in my spot, having had been through two IVF's. One failed and one FET. She said everything I needed to hear. I'm so grateful that I got to meet her today. I think I'll send her a card. She has no idea how much she helped me today.



It's a very emotional time right now. This is it. All that time we waited, gave us something to look forward too. Now it's here. All that time waiting for the next time and it's almost over.



Like the nurse said, I have to let it all go. It's not in my hands. There's nothing more I can do. That's easier said than done..... The meditations I've been doing are helping let it go. I'm so glad I started doing those.



Anyway...

I wasn't going to have a follie scan, but the nurse decided she wanted to see what was going on in there because my E2 levels weren't matching up with the number of follies the nurse here in town had measured. My E2 went from 770 on Wed. to 1730 on Friday. She still had 8 follies.

Once we got the vag-cam going, it was clear that there were more follies. The other lady just didn't seem to 'see' them all. I ended up with 12 on the right side and 4 on the left. The cyst is still there but I have a couple follies there now. Good size follies. She said everything looks good, she saw good things going on. Made my day. :)

The meds situation. They gave me some free meds out of their 'stash'. I went back into the conference room and gave myself my last stim shot. Very interesting experience. No ice either.

Oh yeah, they are trying for a 5 day transfer. This would be a very good thing!



Better go get my hcg out of the fridge.

Stim Day - Exhausted

I'm so tired.

Had my 2nd follie scan this morning. The follies grew, the cysts are about the same size (that's good). Lining is getting thick. She didn't tell me what my E2 levels were. I'll be triggering tomorrow and ER will be on Monday, ET will be on Thursday.



Going to go to sleep now.

Now that I got some rest....
Called the nurse first thing in the morning and told her about my med dilemma. She said that I could either have them shipped overnight or get a px and have it filled. I decided that I would get a px for Sat. dose and have the rest (Sun and Mon dose) shipped.

While I was waiting at the Dr. office I was wondering if I would see the girl from Wed. At the last appt. I had to sit in a room and wait while the ultrasound tech finished up with another patient. I wondered if she was a PAR patient w/Dr. Jarrett. While I was sitting there, I overheard the nurses talking about a PAR patient and how her follies were hurting her. When she came out, it was the girl I saw on Wed. It was nice to see someone in town that was going through the same thing. I tried to think of something to say but couldn't come up with anything.

Get to the ultrasound room, tech does the scan. Follies on the right side are bigger, she says I still have 8. It looked like more than 8 to me, but what do I know, I'm not the pro. The cyst on the left is about the same size. I also have 2 small follies over there. Good news. Good news. Everything is good to go. I was a little bummed that I only had 8 mature follies. They increased my FSH and I ended up with less. What the hell is up with that?

I have noticed that last time, I had lots of follies but they were all different sizes. This time, they are all close in size. I guess that's good? I don't know.

Off to the lab for blood work.
When I walked in, this lady said, 'You're not here to be checked for the flu are you?' Ummm, no. Then I went and sat in the corner by myself away from everyone. Ha ha ha.
I was wondering who would draw my blood. I told myself that I wasn't going back to that same place to avoid Nikia, but I went out of convenience. It was a surprise when Olga walked in! She looked at me and said, 'Haven't I just seen you?" It was funny. She found my vein right away. It was nice. She saw what Nikia did to me the other day. Didn't like it.

Went to work the late shift at work. That was horrible. I was so tired. I could have layed down on the floor and taken a nap. I don't even know how I made it to 6. I was falling asleep at 7. Finally gave up and went to bed before 10!

I'm getting very scatterbrained. There is so much going on these past few days!

*PAR is the program that my RE has set up with my Dr. office here. They monitor me up here and fax the results to him. This way I won't have to drive down to Indy so many times.

The Bruise Part 2

Look at this thing! I'm afraid to go anywhere near it with another needle. It's taking up way too much space. In fact, my whole belly button is surrounded by a bruise!

Holy Crap! Stim Day 8

I forgot I needed to order more meds. I don't have enough for Sat/Sun. I'm going to have to call first thing tomorrow and see if I can get some Saturday morning. Hopefully it won't matter that much to be 2 hours late on my stims. Can't believe I did that.

Extremely bloated! Feels like I might pop an ovary if I bend over too far. Not really looking forward to closing tomorrow. That's gonna suck! :(

That's going to be one big bruise

This is from this morning! It's gonna get nasty. You can kind of see the other smaller bruises and those dots are from the shots as well. Like my lap scar in my belly button? That's a 2fer. Two scars from two different laps. Don't mind my bloated stomach.

Stim Day 6 - First Follie Scan

Uterine Lining -
Right Ovary -
Left Ovary - 2 giants Cysts.
E2 - 772
Yes, the cysts are still there. Freaked out. Convinced myself they were producing estrogen and they were going to cancel this cycle. I put in a call to the nurse asking her to call me back soon so I wouldn't stress all day. She called me back at 3:30. Thanks. Dr. said I'm okay. The cysts aren't producing estrogen and I have plenty follies on the right side. I guess he knows what he is doing. Right.

The blood draw was a horrible experience. The first nurse couldn't find a vein so she called in another lady. The new one decided my veins were deep and decided she must poke the needle in as far as she possibly could. I kept telling her it hurt pretty bad (still no blood btw) and she finally said, "Oh, it must not be as deep as I thought." Wow, thanks. She pulled the needle up a bit and then found the vein. I have no idea she stabbed in my arm but I have some purple mark and a yellow bruise in the crease of my arm.

We'll see what Friday has to offer.

Bloated - Stim Day 5

A quick update. Getting really bloated. It's almost like I can feel my ovaries getting bigger. Also feeling really tired.
Since I have my Dr. appt tomorrow a.m., I have to work late. It's going to seem like the longest day ever. Friday will be even worse. Should have taken Friday off. :(
I feel like I'm running out of room for the shots. I have little dot scabs all around my belly button. I tried to take a picture of it but it didn't turn out so well. Only about 10 more to go. Can't believe I've already done 20!

Numb Mouth

Holy cow! Got my filling replaced for the fractured tooth today. My mouth is so numb! I tried to drink some water after I left the dentist and choked on it. :) Not looking forward to the soreness when the Novocain wears off. Booo. :(

I'm starting to feel the ovaries. It's only when I press up against something or have something lean on them (like a child sitting on my lap). Curious to see what's going on in there. I'm still trying to get a picture of my stim set up in the mornings. The problem is that I have to do them so early that I forget to take the camera with me. Maybe I'll put it in there tonight when I do my Lupron. Getting close!

Horrible Headache

Not much to report. My head is killing me. Turning on the AC and taking some migraine meds.

Stim Day 2

Nothing like waking up on a Saturday morning at 6am to give yourself an injection of burning fire! :)

Oh the burn. THE BURN! I don't even know how to explain it. It's like when you get hand sanitizer in a cut, but your injecting it into your stomach.
It was worse today. The baby aspirin is making me bleed after the injection. I now have to press a cotton ball on the injection site to get it to stop bleeding. This morning, when I pushed on it, I could feel the stims spreading around. OUCH!

I love mixing everything together. It's so much fun. I do get freaked out because there is less sodium chloride after I mix it than when I started. Oh well. Also, I'm pretty sure I used the whole bottle of the sodium chloride last time. I don't know why I can't remember that. Oh well, I'm doing what my instructions say.

I have dots and tiny bruises around my belly button.

Cleaned like a mad woman today. I want to get things done so I'm not sitting in a stank house wanting to clean it when I know I can't. Won't even be able to vacuum. Can't go up and down the steps. No heavy lifting.

Oh! Finally got to move on to the next part of the ivf mediation series. This one goes along with the stim stage. The first two times I listened to it, I fell asleep. Oops. I listened to it this morning after I did my injections and stayed awake for it. Interesting.

Officially CD 1, Stim day 1

Today is the official CD1. It's also stim day. Yay!

The stims still burn like hell. Even worse this time around since I'm using more Menopur. Ugh.

The Stims

Here are the stims! I wasn't about to take all those vials out to make a pretty display. The four boxes on top are Menopur and the three on the bottom are Bravelle. The two boxes to the right are the HCG triggers. Those big needles on the bottom are what I use for the stims. I do get to put a smaller needle on them, which is what's in the right hand corner. I didn't put the q-caps in because well, there are 2 million of them. Seriously, why all the q-caps??

What are stims?

Stims stimulate the ovaries into developing and growing eggs.



I'll be using Bravelle and Menopur in the a.m.
Since we are increasing my FSH this time, I'll be using 3 Menopur and 2 Bravelle to start get things going.



I will stim for 6 days, then go for an ultrasound and have bloodwork done. The nurse will look at my ovaries to see how they are responding to the stims. We'll write down how many 'follies' I have in each ovary and their size. I'll go every other day to have these follies monitored to make sure they are growing.

Back on Schedule

The Dr. called this afternoon with good news! The cyst is non-functional so I can begin my stims as planned. Yay! So excited. :)

In other good news....
Our insurance covered the meds 100%!!!! When the lady told me the total was 12, I thought she meant $1200. I asked her to repeat it two times. I said, "Are you sure? You're sure? Seriously?" She said, "Yeah. You're insurance was great. There is no co-pay on anything. The only thing they wouldn't pay for were the needles."
I.CAN.NOT.BELIEVE.THIS.

Here we go! No more bcp!

Why is a cyst a big deal?

A cyst is usually left over from when the ovary released an egg. It's usually filled with fluid. Sometimes, the cysts become active and produce estrogen. Sometimes they don't do anything at all.

The Lupron causes a surge in estrogen when you first start to take it. After a few days, it starts to decrease estrogen production. If you have a cyst that's producing estrogen, it keeps the Lupron from doing it's job.

If the cyst is not producing estrogen, you can continue on with the cycle. They usually go away or get squished by the other follies (follicles).

To start stims, you're estrogen or estradiol should be less than 50.

Hope you liked my less than technical explanation. It's hard to explain to people who don't know what all of this stuff is. IF has taught me a lot.

I have a cyst :(

I have a big cyst on my left ovary. I have small one on my right. I'm quite bummed and worried about it.
I'm okay with delaying the cycle for it to go away. Just worried it won't go away.
The nurse said that I'll most likely be on bcp for another 10 days. Maybe even double up on them. She said we'd get rid of it.

Then she called back and said that they'll call me tomorrow after the Dr. looks at the pictures. He may have me continue bcp or have a different plan. I'm wondering what this different plan will be.

Bad day today.

This isn't something bad. It's not something good.

I hate being in limbo.

I had a cyst when we started our first IVF. It was inactive so they let me start my stims. I was on bcp a week longer last time so maybe I just need a few more days.

Took my first imitrex today. It's the miracle drug. All day I had a headache but didn't want to take anything while driving. I was sitting there mad that it hadn't started working when all of a sudden my headache went away. It makes me really tired.

Well, that's all I've got right now.

So Tired!

I'm sure it's partly because I didn't sleep well last night. I was afraid of grinding my teeth and breaking off even more. Going to the dentist tomorrow after I get back from Indy.

I have a mark from tonights injection. I think this is the first to leave something behind. I know I'll be bleeding more from the baby aspirin......

Baby aspirin - Basically helps blood flow to the uterus. Sometimes the blood clumps up, causing m/c. May also provide good blood flow to the ovaries.

I'm way to tired to do this. :)

Nighty Night!

Are you kidding me?

A piece of my tooth came off!
What is going on?
After lunch, it felt like I had something stuck between the last two molars. I whipped out the dental floss and yanked out a chunk of my tooth! Of course I completely freaked out. I was convinced there was no way I'd be able to get it fixed and finish this ivf cycle. The thought of a root canal terrifies me.
After awhile, I calmed down. I looked again and realised it's more like a 'chip'. It's from a tooth that has an old filling. I'm assuming that I must have cracked it while grinding/clenching my teeth. I've been a grinding/clenching maniac lately. I ordered a mouth guard from Walgreens, we'll see if it helps. I figure I better have a plan before my dentist insists I get fitted for that crazy looking million dollar mouth guard.
Hopefully they can just re-fill the filling. Hopefully.
Time for the Lupron shot.

Lupron Day 5

Nothing to report. Still no headaches. Prob tomorrow or Monday. I am getting hot flashes in the middle of the night. I get so hot I have to take the blankets off! Then of course I'm freezing when I wake up in the morning! I'm sure I'll start getting them during the day now too.

E got his tests done. It's a relief to have that part done.

Getting anxious about my baseline appt. on Tuesday. Yay! :)

Lupron Day 3

Ugh. I stabbed my finger with my lupron needle. I was putting the cap back on after I was finished and felt something poke my finger. I looked at the needle and saw that when I put the cap on, the needle bent and poked through the lid, which then went into my finger. It started bleeding and now it looks bruised. It kind of hurts and it's swollen. My finger hurts worse than my stomach!

Everything is going well. I feel better than I've felt in a LONG time. Other than the stabbing incident, the shots haven't hurt one bit. Not even when they go in. I'm still using ice as I did last time, it just doesn't hurt. At all. Not even a sting.

Had my infectious diseases blood work today. Five vials of blood. I was thankful the nurse found my vein quickly. I told her how that last lady couldn't find it and was moving the needle around in my hand. We agreed that it's better to be poked again than to have the needle moving around. I also had to give a urine sample this time. Don't know what's up with that, but, whatever.

E goes tomorrow for his blood work and sample. He had to take the whole day off. Big Baby. :)

My finger is throbbing.

I'm still spotting. It was the heaviest on Tuesday. Lighter yesterday and today. Last BCP on Monday! Date with the vagcam on Tuesday! Lupron headaches should be starting any day now. Booo!

1st Lupron Shot Done

It wasn't as bad as I remembered. Done like an old pro. I was a little nervous waiting around to do it, but once I got everything ready, it was a piece of cake. :)

This is my Lupron setup. I clean the counter with a clorox bleach wipe, wash my hands and put everything on a paper towel. That's an icecube on a folded paper towel to the left and at the bottom center are two alcohol wipes. I use one to wipe the top of the Lupron bottle and the other to clean the injection site.

Lupron

Here is a picture of the Lupron (in the little bottle on top of the box) and the needles I use with it. Not sure why I have all of those needles out. I obviously didn't count them before I took the picture. I'll post a picture of the stims when I get them.

BCP CD 15

Heavier spotting and some other 'weirdness' going on. Definitely a different bcp than last time. :)

Freaking Out, Happy Easter

Having a really bad moment here.

This isn't fair.

I shouldn't have to do this.

I don't want to have to do this.

I was fine. Been holding it all together. Haven't let myself freak out. Been surprisingly optimistic about things.

I don't think I can try this a third time. It's too hard.

I'm so sick of this consuming my life. How to do you get past something that is there every second of everyday? Something that you are reminded about ALL the time? Every holiday, every time I leave the house, the grocery store, restaurants, tv, movies. Everything reminds that I can't get pregnant like everyone else and that I may never have a child. It's such a hard thing to carry around day after day. I know to some people this may seem like it's no big deal. It is a big deal. You have no idea how painful this is until your in it. I don't know how or what to feel. It's very lonely.

This Sums It Up

I watch this from time to time. Just wanted to share.

http://www.tearsandhope.com/emptyarms_video.html

What does Lupron do?

If anyone is wondering.
I'm doing long lupron, 10 units in the p.m. I'll continue this throughout my cycle.
Basically, it flares up the estrogen, then supresses it, making it feel like menopause. When the estrogen drops, you'll start to get headaches and hot flahes. Fun stuff!


Lupron acts upon the pituitary gland in the brain to alter the secretion of FSH and LH (the two hormones responsible for egg development and ovulation). Initially, Lupron will cause increased secretion of the two hormones, with a subsequent rise in estrogen secretion. Continual administration of Lupron, however, will lead to a suppression of the pituitary hormones, with subsequent drop in estrogen production. When we perform the baseline ultrasound exam on day 3 of the cycle we assess the degree of suppression by measuring the LH and estradiol levels. Occasionally we cancel a cycle if the estradiol level remains elevated for an extended period. In ART stimulations, Lupron will allow the ovaries to produce more eggs. without the fear of premature ovulation. Microdose Lupron is a low dose preparation that has the ability to stimulate rather than suppress the ovaries. This is used for "poor responders."



Got my info from here: http://www.ivf-indiana.com/education/ivf-patient-info.html

and here: http://www.ivfconnections.com/questions.htm

These are two of my favorite sites for IVF info.

BCP CD 14

Not much to report. I've had a little spotting since yesterday. I think this was when it started last time. I don't know. Maybe not. I feel like I was spotting when I was doing the Lupron injections.

I've been falling asleep the past few nights during my meditations. Oops. Guess I'll have to do them earlier. I've been sleeping and falling asleep so well lately. It's nice.

Getting nervous.

I swear every woman at the grocery store yesterday was 9 months pregnant. Instead of feeling sad and wondering if that would ever be me, I told myself that I will have that. I will experience that.

This is so scary. :(

Got My Protocol!!

I got off early again today and gave them a call. Got a call back at 4:00 while I was mid-nap. I still can't believe this is happening!

I start Lupron next Wed. April 14.
Last bcp April 20.
Baseline appt. April 21
Begin FSH April 24
Est. Trigger May 3

Oh yeah, my bloodwork came back normal from the other day. :)

Otherwise, not feeling as crazy as I was. Still not spotting on this bcp. I can't remember when it started last time....
Allergies are bad today. So tired and this stupid allergy headache is annoying. Just want to sleep.

Oh Hi There Lymph Node

Can't a girl enjoy a nice afternoon off?

I left work early because we were so low. Got home, grabbed a bowl of cereal and all of a sudden my neck felt weird. I felt it with my hand and there was a big not under/behind my ear. The whole side of my face near my jaw was swollen and it felt kind of numbish. I had no idea what was going on. Called the Dr., told them how I was there last Wed. and what was going on. They call back and of course my Dr. is gone for the day and the one I saw last week had nothing available. They wanted me to go to come ICC or something downtown. Yeah right, here I think my throat is going to close up and I'm going to die because no one will be here to help me. Went to MedPoint instead. Can't tell you how enjoyable those two hours of my life were.

Turns out it's "Most likely Reactive Lymphadenopathy." That's what is says on my sheet. So, I'm most likely not dying. Thanks for your reassurance lady. That's also on my sheet. My home instructions are, "Reassurance. Follow up with PCP, await blood results." Yes, blood results. Since it's only most likely that reactive lymphwhatever, I had to have my blood drawn to have my white blood cells counted....or something. I'll know if it's most likely not reactive lymph. in 48 hours.

During this 48 hours, not only will I be praying that I don't have cancer, I'll also pray that I never see this 'lab woman' again. She couldn't find a vein. Which is normal for me. My mom has the same problem. I'm used to them poking around, getting stuck more than once. But this lady, THIS lady, was determined to NOT find a vein. I had to tell her sometimes they have to use those butterfly. Of course, she gets one and sticks it IN MY HAND! Then starts digging around in there for a vein. I wanted to punch her. Finally, I showed her where they usually have luck and we went from there. She said I was her hardest one yet. Sure, of all the people in her lifetime that she has stabbed with a needle, I'm the hardest one? Please. Please lady.

Anyway, the swelling has gone down but it is still uncomfortable and there is still a knot under my ear. Most likely my body trying to fight my illness from last week. At least I hope.

Other than that, still no word from my RE. I hope he calls tomorrow. :)

Allergies Suck.

Allergies ruin a nice day. Screw this!
Runny nose. Coughing. Constantly clearing the throat. Itchy, crusty eyes. Can't breath right.
The pollen count is only 7.1. Almost Med-High. Cedar, Juniper, Elm and Maple. Which one of you makes me feel like crap?

BCP CD7

Ugh. Okay. The BCP crazies are beginning. So emotional. Everything makes me tear up. Very sensitive. Not in a bad way. Just feeling kind of crazy.

I've been sick the past few days. Great. Tuesday morning I woke up dizzy, nauseous and had a horrible headache. Went to work on nothing but crackers and water. By the end of lunch, I felt much better. Went home, made dinner. All was good until around 3:30 a.m. when I woke up with a weird stomach ache. I ended up down on the couch, an hour later I was vomiting. Gross. I was so dizzy I couldn't lay down. I had to sleep sitting up on the couch. Figured I'd go to work and feel better. Nope. Ended up leaving at lunch time. Went to the Dr. and found out that my head is so congested, it's making me sick. I'm having drainage problems. Fun gross stuff. He also told me that the sinus pressure is triggering migraines. Now, this is something that I've thought for awhile so I was relieved when he told me that part. I ended up with about $300 worth of px. I did get some nice migraine med. If this stuff works and makes those horrible headaches go way, it'll be a miracle. He said I'd feel better in 3 days. I was skeptical last night, but this afternoon I'm feeling less pressure in my head. It will be nice when I can hear out of my right ear again.

Other than that, all is well. I'm kind of worried that the antibiotic is going to mess with my bcp. I guess if I'm starting to go crazy from them, they are working. Hopefully I'll get my protocol next week!

Why birth control pills?

-Help put the ovaries to 'sleep'
-Eliminate leftover cysts
-Regulate cycle
-Give the Re more control over cycle and make it possible to group patients for 'on' or 'off' cycles

CD 2 BCP

So, I decided that yesterday was definitely cd 2. I always get HORRIBLE cramps on cd two. It sucked getting the cramps but it helped make my decision to start bcp. I also decided to take them at night. I felt pretty proud of myself for thinking of that. Sort of past cd2, almost to cd3. So today would officially be cd2.

I called my Re like I was supposed to. Unfortunately he's out of the office until next Monday. The nurse said if I don't hear from them by Wed. I should give them a call for my protocol. She did tell me to have Dh get is sperm analysis and both of us need to update our infectious diseases blood work. Poor Dh is afraid he's going to pass out. I told him it was a good thing that he's not the one who has to give himself shots in the stomach. Please, he's got it easy.

I've been doing my meditation's every night. I keep falling asleep. I guess I'll try to do them earlier. I'm finding that I'm more relaxed during the day. So, I guess it helps. It's kind of boring doing the same one over and over. It will be nice when I can move onto the next one.

Everything else is going great. Hurry up and wait like it always is.

I'm going to try to blog every day. I wish I had last time. Even if I don't have much to say.

So, until next time.

Here We Go!

I hate seasonal allergies.

On to other things. I started spotting yesterday. Never been so excited to spot. Went to fill my bcp px this afternoon. The pharm. tech looks at the px and says, "Which Dr. scribbled this signature down here?" Hello! Can you not read? It says his name and the name of the clinic at the top. I was so afraid she was going to read it out loud. Ugh. People.

I am one fierce biotch today.

Re said to start bcp on day 2 or 3. Yes. I'm stressing trying to decide which day to start. Does he not know he can't give me this kind of decision to make? I just got done telling him how I stress over EVERYTHING. Day 2 or 3, 2 or 3, 2 or 3 keeps going through my head. What will it be? Last cycle, AF started in the middle of the day? I don't know. All I know is when I called the nurse, she told me to start bcp the next day. So, ,maybe I'll start tomorrow if I have full on AF by tonight. Ugh. Just tell me a day please. Thanks. :)

A New Beginning

So yesterday was the first day of spring. We also had our consult for IVF #2 yesterday. What a nice fresh start.

The appt. went well. We are going to increase my FSH to get more follies. Instead of starting with 2/2. We are going to go with 3/2. He mentioned that I had a 'beautiful' embryo last time so he was excited about that. Made me feel good. We are also going to go all ICSI this time. Last time, the natural embies didn't turn out as well as the ICSI embies.

We also talked about positive thinking. He wants to me to set aside 5 - 10 minutes every morning for myself. He wants me to close my eyes, breath and picture myself pregnant. I told him it was funny that he mentioned that because the night before, I had found some fertility meditations that I was very interested in . I mentioned how I have problems relaxing and that this is something that could really help me. So, as hard as it is for me to do, I'm on this new journey of positive thinking. I actually feel better already. BTW, he used to use the mediation's I had found. :)

What else? I asked about acupuncture and he said that if it came down between acupuncture and positive thinking, he would go with positive thinking. He said there are benefits to acu. but in the long run, positive thinking is something that you will carry with you. So, now I won't have to worry about how I'm going to do acu. with my RE over 2 hours away.

No prenatal vitamins. I asked about supplements and he said, "No. Just one baby aspirin a day." I told him that I was taking regular Centrum vitamins and he said that was perfect. It's nice to not have to worry about taking all of these things. What a relief!

So, in about two weeks I'll start bcp! I'll give my RE a call and get my schedule! Oh my goodness. This is so exciting and scary at the same time. I can't let myself be scared. This is going to work. I will be pregnant and I will have a child.