It has been such a nice day today. The sun came out and most of the snow melted. I didn't realize how much I needed a day like this until it came. It was nice to get some fresh air into the house. I wanted to take the dogs for a walk but I've been on a cleaning rampage all day. I hate cleaning so I figured I'd get it done while I could. Dinner is cooking right now, maybe we'll go out after dinner. I really haven't felt this great in a long time. It's like my body can breath again.
Dh and I are having a movie night. We are going to watch House Bunny and Righteous Kill. I may even eat one of my mini WW ice creams. :)
Saturday, February 7, 2009
Friday, February 6, 2009
Had A Bad Spell
So, I had a couple bad days there. Yesterday was better than Wed., but I was still down in the dumps. Feeling much better today.
I've been playing phone tag with my RE. One of these days I'll actually be able to talk to a person to sched. an appt. for our next cycle. I'm getting my hopes up. I don't want to get my hopes up because of what happened last time but I also don't want to go into this with a negative mindset. If I'm going to be negative and think the worst, what's the point? Right? If this cycle fails, they will have to put me in a mental hospital because I don't think I'll make it. I have no idea how some of these women keep going.
Bought some adorable WW ice cream at the grocery store. I may need a mini spoon to eat it. Have you seen these things? They are so tiny! Maybe I'll take a picture and attempt to figure out how to post it.
Sometimes I wonder if I have ADD. I can barely type out what I'm thinking before I get another thought. I can't keep up with my thoughts. They all run together. Whatever. I don't care. It would be nice to get everything out of my head. Empty it. I can never seem to put it together. It's like it gets lost on it's way out. Or sometimes, there is so much going on in there, when it gets typed out, it looks like nothing.
I've been playing phone tag with my RE. One of these days I'll actually be able to talk to a person to sched. an appt. for our next cycle. I'm getting my hopes up. I don't want to get my hopes up because of what happened last time but I also don't want to go into this with a negative mindset. If I'm going to be negative and think the worst, what's the point? Right? If this cycle fails, they will have to put me in a mental hospital because I don't think I'll make it. I have no idea how some of these women keep going.
Bought some adorable WW ice cream at the grocery store. I may need a mini spoon to eat it. Have you seen these things? They are so tiny! Maybe I'll take a picture and attempt to figure out how to post it.
Sometimes I wonder if I have ADD. I can barely type out what I'm thinking before I get another thought. I can't keep up with my thoughts. They all run together. Whatever. I don't care. It would be nice to get everything out of my head. Empty it. I can never seem to put it together. It's like it gets lost on it's way out. Or sometimes, there is so much going on in there, when it gets typed out, it looks like nothing.
Wednesday, February 4, 2009
Bad Day Today
So, today basically sucked.
I'm having a hard time understanding why this is happening to me. There are so many people out there who should not even be in the same room as a child, yet they can have as many as they want. They don't even care.
I deserve to be a mom. I'd be a good mom.
It makes no sense.
What's the point?
How can I feel like this for the rest of my life? What's the point of life when it's filled with so much sadness? Really. And I'm not talking about killing myself. Just wondering how I can wake up everyday and keep going. For what? Nothing. There really isn't anything to live for. So sad. But it's the truth. There's no purpose.
I never thought I would be this person. Never thought I'd be in this place. Not quite sure who I am anymore.
I'm having a hard time understanding why this is happening to me. There are so many people out there who should not even be in the same room as a child, yet they can have as many as they want. They don't even care.
I deserve to be a mom. I'd be a good mom.
It makes no sense.
What's the point?
How can I feel like this for the rest of my life? What's the point of life when it's filled with so much sadness? Really. And I'm not talking about killing myself. Just wondering how I can wake up everyday and keep going. For what? Nothing. There really isn't anything to live for. So sad. But it's the truth. There's no purpose.
I never thought I would be this person. Never thought I'd be in this place. Not quite sure who I am anymore.
Sunday, February 1, 2009
The Ball is Rolling
Officially. I guess. We are looking for March/April for our second IVF cycle. So many things to conquer by then. I joined weight watchers again so I can loose the 20 pounds I've gained since the last cycle. Emotional eater much? Food is like crack to me. I feel like I'm starving all the time.
I'm not sure why, but I've actually been letting myself imagine being pregnant! Not only that, but having a baby. That's about as far as I get. Pregnancy. Birth. Baby. It's been over a year since I've let myself think about these things. For over a year I would not let myself view my life for more than a month out. So, this is a HUGE step. This has to work. It has to.
I'm not sure why, but I've actually been letting myself imagine being pregnant! Not only that, but having a baby. That's about as far as I get. Pregnancy. Birth. Baby. It's been over a year since I've let myself think about these things. For over a year I would not let myself view my life for more than a month out. So, this is a HUGE step. This has to work. It has to.
New Blog
Jesus. The pressure of trying to come up with a clever name for these titles is more stress than I need!
So I'm trying this blog thing again. The other one is out there somewhere, I can't bring myself to read it. This is going to be hard for me. I'm not one to open up about anything. I rely on no one. I'm my own rock. I hate talking about how I feel because I feel like I'm being a big crybaby. Hopefully this will let me get things out.
So I'm trying this blog thing again. The other one is out there somewhere, I can't bring myself to read it. This is going to be hard for me. I'm not one to open up about anything. I rely on no one. I'm my own rock. I hate talking about how I feel because I feel like I'm being a big crybaby. Hopefully this will let me get things out.
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